We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
