The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
