So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
