if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
