If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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