I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.