Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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