I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
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They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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