Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
