Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
