Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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