On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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