I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
