I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
