I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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