I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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