Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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