then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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