hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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