only you would photoshop your dick
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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