and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
