is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
