Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
