so explain again why im purple
no
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
