My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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