So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
