do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
