I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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