did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
