im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
