I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
