I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
