it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
