My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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