I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
