her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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