yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
