Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
