On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
