why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
