On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
