You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Be still, my beating vagina.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
