I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
