I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I've blown a few things in my day
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
