hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
