I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
