Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
