Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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