turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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