He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Randomize