paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
