And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
