you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
