apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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