God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
