Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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